No slave to the latest technology

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 20 September 2012 14:51

It was one of those days. I got a flat, and then I lost the keys to my car and my mobile phone died. Don't believe what they say — technology is not your friend.

So I rushed to the phone store before the morning mob started beating down the door. The only thing I hate more than waiting for a flat to be fixed is going to the phone store, crowded with people whose best friends are their mobile devices.

The honor of being father of the bride

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 13 September 2012 13:08

My second daughter just got married for the second time.

Let me explain. She's the first of four daughters to get married and it was actually her first marriage, but she was married in church a month ago and then had her vows renewed last week during a reception on the Hudson.

Nothing is safe to eat to eat anymore

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 05 September 2012 13:22

Last week my wife accused me of trying to kill her.

Wait, it's not what you think. You see, we were in the movie theater, and I bought her an extra large bag of popcorn, bigger than a heavy-duty Hefty garbage bag and drenched in more butter than a BP oil spill.

When I got back to the seat and handed it to her, she grumbled, "Are you trying to kill me? Don't you know buttered popcorn is dangerous?"

Places to visit before the end

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 29 August 2012 12:13

For my birthday, my daughter gave me a book titled "Unforgettable Places to See Before You Die."

Does she know something I don't? And why did I have to get that book on my birthday, which is hard enough at this stage in life for me and millions of other Baby Boomers trying to convince ourselves 60 is the new 40.

I tucked the book away on the shelf with other inspirational masterpieces like "Healthy Aging for Dummies," "The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Secrets of Longevity" and "Improving Your Memory for Dummies."

Do you see a pattern? "Yes," you're saying. "He's a dummy."

I haven't seen many "unforgettable places," even if I include my favorite hot spots like Mystic Seaport (at age 11), the Maine Coast (on my honeymoon), Nova Scotia (on my honeymoon), Prince Edward Island (on my honeymoon — hey, it was a long honeymoon), Disney World (or was it Disneyland?), Arthur Avenue in the Bronx (I want to move there), and the Everglades alligator preserve (unforgettable because I nearly lost a foot).

I obviously have a lot of traveling to do before I pass into the Great Hereafter, which will be the most unforgettable place I ever visit, assuming I get there.

However, now that 60 is the new 40, I figure I have 45 years left to see the world, although I'm not one of those guys who plans to travel when he retires, largely because I won't get to retire with four weddings to pay for.

On Sunday afternoon, when my only diversion was playing fetch with the dog, I got out the book to review the list of 40 destinations and plan my next adventure.

It wasn't as bad as I thought. I had already seen three of them, except one was the Grand Canyon, which I saw from 40,000 feet while I was flying to Los Angeles — which wasn't on the list of "unforgettable."

Lessons that can’t be learned the hard way

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 22 August 2012 11:02

I'll never forget that fateful Sunday afternoon when I let my oldest daughter get behind the wheel for the first time while the rest of the family cowered in the back seat and pleaded to get inside the trunk.

In those days, teaching your daughter to drive was the indisputable responsibility of the family patriarch, so I put my best foot forward and gave her lessons in the tradition of Robert Young on "Father Knows Best."

"Ease up on the clutch, Dear."

"Slowly apply pressure on the accelerator, Honey."

Taking time out from texting and tweeting

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 14 August 2012 12:33

I'm standing in line like any ordinary American, waiting to take my hard-earned cash out of the ATM so I can squander it on new hiking boots and contribute to our nation's economic recovery even though my wife insists I should be saving to pay for my daughters' weddings.

All around me are ordinary Americans, who don't seem as interested in our economic recovery ... or hiking for that matter. They have wires coming out of their ears and other body parts, and they're texting and tweeting.

Rejecting gratuitous violence

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 09 August 2012 11:12

My father loved violence. Bloodshed, brutality, murder, mayhem, gunfire, explosions, nuclear warfare. He loved it all — on his TV.

Sunday afternoon we'd take our daughters to see my parents for a home-cooked Italian meal, and the first thing you heard when you opened the door was a staccato burst of rifle fire from AK-47s, grenade blasts, yelling and screaming, and people writhing in agony.

Storming my office, calling for my head

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 31 July 2012 10:55

I learned the hard way that flip-flops are a constitutionally guaranteed right in America, a fundamental freedom like health care. So take that to the Supreme Court.

I also learned that flip-flops are protected under the law only if you're a woman. Can you imagine if I showed up at the office with a Brooks Brothers suit and a Paul Stuart tie and a $2 pair of purple flip-flops from Walmart? The next day I'd have a new job stocking high-heels at Payless. It's rampant discrimination against men.

Send in the dogs and cats

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 24 July 2012 11:41

A study in Finland has found that kids who grow up with dogs and cats have fewer respiratory infections, coughs and runny noses — but significantly more flea bites and scratches.

The research concluded that dogs bring dirt and stuff into the house like germs, grime and Higgs boson — the so-called "Clod Particle," which is the subatomic building block of mud and goose poop.

Experts say being around this filth makes children stronger, leading me to believe we should stop washing our kids and let them spend their formative years at the town dump or the dog pound.

A skimpy bathing suit double standard

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 19 July 2012 23:00

A woman I know drives from Darien to Jones Beach on weekends in the pursuit of sun and surf, and every time she comes back, she complains about “old men in Speedo bathing suits.”

Here in Connecticut, I suspect we have laws against that sort of thing. Nevertheless, I’d like to make a few points:

1. She’s showing a bias against old men, who are a protected species and should be allowed to wear whatever they want, in good taste and in bad.

2. If the scenery bothers her so much, she should take out her contact lens, but be careful not to trip over the old men because it could cause serious injuries that increase Medicare costs.

3. If you never saw an old man, or a young man, in a Speedo, it’s a very brief piece of swimwear, which resembles a jock strap two sizes too small and may be worn at black tie events, preferably with a cummerbund.