Memories at a wedding

Written by Joe Pisani
Sunday, 15 July 2012 23:00

While I was browsing through iTunes, looking for music to play at my daughter’s wedding so the old-timers would have something to dance to besides Lady Gaga and Weird Al Yankovic, I came upon the classic Isley Brothers recording of “Shout!”

Whenever they play that song at a wedding, pandemonium erupts and even people on crutches get off their seats and start jumping around, waving their hands, kicking their feet and swinging their crutches like lethal weapons, as if they’re at a Texas revival or an exorcism -- or in serious need of Pepto Bismol.

A good time is had by all, and when the ambulances arrive, everyone is thoroughly exhausted or unconscious.

Something’s amiss with this picture

Written by Joe Pisani
Friday, 13 July 2012 08:53

Something really important happened the week that Oliver Stone’s movie “Savages” came out, and critics were falling over one another praising John Travolta and Blake Lively and the “thrilling plot” about California pot growers and Mexican drug dealers with graphic sex and grisly violence, or maybe it was grisly sex and graphic violence. Andy Griffith died.

Talk about contrasts.

I thought, “Who do I admire more? Andy Griffith or John Travolta?” Then, I thought, “Who do I admire more? Aunt Bee or Kim Kardashian?” Of course, Kim Kardashian isn’t in “Savages,” but she should have been, to provide some comic relief and shopping tips. Besides, I never miss an opportunity to mention Kim Kardashian.

A golden anniversary of saving souls

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 20 June 2012 11:02

I first met Ed Coyne back in the '60s at St. Mary's Church on the East Side of Bridgeport, where I went to confession. He was just starting out in his new life as a priest, and I was a troublesome youngster.

While I can't remember what sins I confessed that Saturday afternoon, I remember he wasn't very pleased, and I had to listen to a long lecture. When I pulled aside the curtain to leave, I swore, "I'm never going back to that priest!"

Well, I did and the experience was a lot better in the years that followed. Either he mellowed or I got religion.

She’s one smart puppy

Wednesday, 06 June 2012 12:15

Crunch. Crunch. I heard crunching in the living room and wondered, "What's going on?" Crunch. It was a foreboding sound.

Then, I realized our puppy was chewing on something with those razor-sharp puppy teeth. Rawhide? But rawhide doesn't crunch. The legs of the new sofa that replaced the old sofa she ruined?

Doritos? Yes, Doritos were a possibility because she has a junk food addiction and often creeps into the pantry to steal popcorn, or worse, barbecue potato chips.

I found her hiding behind the sofa, chomping away.

Lowers cholesterol, tastes like earthworms

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 31 May 2012 11:33

After reading the latest research about cholesterol, I'm convinced it would be easier to raise the collective IQ of the entire cast of the Jersey Shore than to raise my HDL, a.k.a. good cholesterol.

I admit science was never my area of expertise. I struggled through biology with Brother Jerome, I almost had a nervous breakdown in chemistry with Brother Iazzetti, and I steadfastly refused to take physics with Brother Einstein because I wanted to graduate and pursue my career as a professional partier and not have to worry about stuff like "condensed matter."

So when my PCP, which means "primary care physicist," (I know a little science) started to talk about my cholesterol numbers and HDL and LDL and QVC, I got confused all over again.

To simplify things, he tried to explain the difference between good cholesterol and bad cholesterol in terms of the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox, he being a Yankees fan.

"You see," he said, "you have to get the Yankees cholesterol higher and the Red Sox cholesterol lower so the Yankees can win the cholesterol pennant, and you live to see another day."

When he mentioned triglycerides, I was ready to go back to school and take astrophysics, or become a Mets fan.

Anyway, a new cholesterol study came out that refutes an old study that refuted an older study that refuted the oldest study that corroborated the new study, or something like that.

Fetching red dresses redefined

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 22 May 2012 10:47

A friend of mine had the honor of appearing on the Today Show with some other women who were modeling dresses for Women's Heart Month.

One by one, everyone paraded out in red dresses. There were young women in fetching red dresses and middle-aged women in fetching red dresses. (After so many memos from the Human Resources department, I should know enough not to use words like "young," "middle-aged" and definitely not "old" because you could get your pants sued off, not to mention your little red dress.)

Staring at the man in the mirror

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 22 May 2012 10:46

I just noticed that the guys my daughters are dating — two of whom are about to become my sons-in-law if I can afford the weddings — have that gruff facial stubble you see in men's magazines, where the fellows look like Navy Seals on commando raids or linebackers for the New York Giants.

Dogged by every excuse in the book

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 22 May 2012 10:45

During my checkered career as a teacher, not to mention my even more checkered career as a student, I heard tales about dogs that ate homework, but never witnessed this phenomenon firsthand.

The excuse was a popular one when I taught English grammar and composition to eighth-graders.

Counteracting the sugar high

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 22 May 2012 10:44

Several months ago, while suffering what defense attorneys commonly call "temporary insanity," I walked into Walmart, paused at the entrance where they pile up displays of junk food ... and broke down. My self-control collapsed, my addiction took over, and I bought a three-pound bag of candy conversation hearts to celebrate Valentine's Day.

A few weeks later at Easter, I bought a very large bag of jelly beans and three boxes of Peeps, those psychedelic-colored marshmallow chicks — at least I hope they're marshmallow and not sponge products. I could feel myself go into sugar shock just putting them in the shopping cart.

Defying human nature in the quiet car

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 22 May 2012 10:43

I stumbled into the "quiet car" of the train the first day of the "Quiet CALMmute" program, and it was like stumbling into a crypt, one of those dark and creepy tombs, or a Trappist monastery without the jams and jellies.

I love quiet but I'm not accustomed to it.