Fatherhood doesn't get easier — even when the kids are grown

Written by Joe Pisani
Friday, 04 May 2012 12:25

My oldest daughter, who never fails to brighten my day, came home to visit recently. Usually, the first thing she does is rush to the refrigerator, but this time she paused, stared at my face and announced, “You have two gray hairs on your left eyebrow and they’re curly! You need to pluck them. Do you want me to do it?” Then, she promptly opened the refrigerator and took out the leftover pork fried rice.

Advice for atheists and believers alike

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 03 April 2012 23:00

It must have been Providence or stupidity that brought me to Washington the same weekend 20,000 atheists descended on the National Mall to condemn religion. “The Reason Rally” was an atheist’s Mardi Gras.

Just when you think nothing can pull us together as a country, along come the militant atheists and once again, we are “One nation under Something or Other with no liberty or justice.”

Richard Dawkins, a British scientist who fancies himself the George Clooney of the Godless, encouraged an outright assault on believers: “Mock them, ridicule them in public!” he exhorted his acolytes. Then, he spewed out a diatribe against the Catholic teaching on the Eucharist.

Fortunately, none of them saw my brown scapular or the prayer book in my satchel as I crept down Pennsylvania Avenue. Pretty soon, they’ll want to check our bags and baptismal records.

I’m convinced the number of people who do evil in the name of religion equals the number of people who do evil persecuting religion, from Roman emperors to Chinese Communists, from Stalinists to the Taliban.

People at the rally attacked every believer from Tim Tebow and the Pope to the Dalai Lama. Of course, evangelical quarterback Tebow has become an easy target, particularly for New York sports writers, another bastion of enlightenment.

All Tebow wants to do is win games and save souls, most notably his own, and I’m not going to grumble about someone who wants to help save my soul, regardless of whether he’s Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hindu or New York City cabbie.

Phone books: From indispensable to inessential

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 27 March 2012 23:00

Yesterday, the birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and I woke up to a new day with the hope of a surprise raise, an early retirement, and a winning Lotto ticket. Then, I looked out the window and wondered, “Why are all those yellow bags cluttering the street?”

It was the annual rite of spring — phone books scattered everywhere. Like crocuses, yellow bags mysteriously appear overnight in everyone’s driveway and stay there until the snow plow pushes them away because no one wants them. Even worse, they refuse to pick them up or dump them in the recycling bin.

In the olden days, we rejoiced to get a new phone book, which was as exciting as the “Farmer’s Almanac.” It was a cherished resource because it had YOUR name in it, and the entire family would gather around in amazement. “Look! There we are! Wait! They spelled our name wrong! Who the !@$#*! proofread this thing?”

Back then, I had relatives who would compare the listings from the year before to see who died, which was more entertaining than playing Angry Birds.

‘Biggest, baddest pool party of them all’

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 20 March 2012 23:00

I admit I know absolutely nothing about Las Vegas except it’s out west, rising from the desert like a city on the plain. I hear it gets pretty hot, and all my friends who went there came back either broke or in love and had to borrow from their 401(k)s to pay their mortgage or their divorce attorney.

A lot of Social Security checks get frittered away on slot machines and lap dancing, but that’s another story.

I recently read that the latest rage in Vegas is the topless party pool, and even though I go to church every Sunday, well almost every Sunday, I was intrigued by this sociological phenomenon.

Having spent my entire life in the library reading about Socrates and Buddha, I didn’t know such things existed in civilized society, although now I may petition the Board of Selectmen to consider topless library days during the summer. Relying on my keen research skills, I Googled pictures of these party pools ... until my wife found out.

A plug for never-ending Christmas

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 13 March 2012 23:00

Even though it’s Lent and Easter is on the way, not to mention the Fourth of July, we still have our Christmas lights up, blinking every night like the entrance to Caesars Palace. If I bring in a few show girls, I’ll be the hit of the neighborhood and the envy of the guys on the block. Maybe I’ll apply for a gaming license.

Keeping your Christmas lights on all year long is socially acceptable in some parts of the country but not here, and I’m afraid my neighbors don’t think we have the level of respectability required to live on this street.

Pretty soon they’ll be rummaging through our recycling bin to uncover something to report to the Environmental Protection Agency.

But it warms the cockles of my heart when I pull into the driveway after a long day in the salt mines and see those lights blinking on the house like a capsized cruise ship, while the dog is in the window, howling like a pint-sized wolf every time a neighbor walks by or the FedEx man drives down the street or Girl Scouts and Jehovah Witnesses knock on the door.

Pass the bacon, hold the Petri dish

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 07 March 2012 00:00

A British study recently concluded that two slices of bacon can increase your risk of pancreatic cancer by 20%.

I didn’t check the commodities market, but I’m sure pork bellies didn’t do well that day, and a lot of hog farmers considered changing their careers and going into healthcare or opening package stores. Thank goodness they didn’t study the effect of pepperoni.

The bacon industry probably hired some high-powered, high-priced PR firm to put a positive spin on the news, not to mention a battalion of computer geeks to make sure stories about bacon and cancer never show up on Google searches. It’s a constant battle for the minds and hearts, souls and stomachs of Americans.

But it makes you wonder — and I’m not working for Hormel or Oscar Mayer — about the fallout from scientific studies that are discredited a few months later.

They all look alike to me

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 29 February 2012 00:00

Is it my imagination or do all teenage boys look alike?

I know this sounds crazy, but I can’t tell one from another. Is it a sign I’m growing old and I’ve lost touch with the younger generation? Is my eyesight failing?

Or it might be lack of practice because I never had teenage sons, only four daughters, and by the time they became teenagers, I couldn’t tell them apart either.

I have the same problem with Victoria’s Secret models. When the catalog comes in the mail, I start leafing through it and proclaim to no one in particular, “Heck, these girls all look the same! They should put on some clothes so I can tell them apart!”

At which point my wife and/or daughters and/or puppy seize the catalog and start grumbling about “dirty old men,” and I never see it again, especially if the puppy grabs it because she chews it up.

Roach reproach on the subway train

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 22 February 2012 00:00

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! A ROACH is running across the floor of the train! DO NOT PANIC! The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!

I was about to make that announcement to my fellow commuters after I spotted a roach as big as a Hostess Twinkie scurrying toward me, zigging and zagging like Madonna at the Super Bowl.

It was coming fast, and I was sure it would jump into my attaché and sneak home to start a commune in my bedroom or crawl up my leg, snarling and biting me so bad I’d have to tear off my trousers.

Two teenage girls beside me were blabbering non-stop, and I wanted to yell, “A man-eating roach is racing toward you!” (You see, teenagers are prepared for any crisis. In case of emergency, the first thing they do is text-message.)

No need to look old no matter what age

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 15 February 2012 00:00

For the first time in my life, I went to a dermatologist. Next week, I’ll be bungee jumping.

I always thought the dermatologist was a doctor for celebrities, vain women and kids with pimple problems. My wife and daughters go more often than I change my car oil.

Growing up in Pine Rock Park, we were too poor for dermatologists, so my mother bought me a tube of Clearasil to treat my zit collection. Actually, she bought a case of Clearasil that lasted well into my 30s, and there still are some half-empty tubes in the medicine cabinet.

At this stage in life, going to the dermatologist was like bringing my car in for a 25,000-mile checkup at 125,000 miles and getting a new paint job.

We can all be doctors now

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 08 February 2012 00:00

The Koreans, who gave us Hyundai, Samsung and the Rev. Sun Myung Moon, are on the verge of a major technological breakthrough that will let your smartphone diagnose your illnesses. It will save you a fortune in doctor bills but probably run up your cell-phone bill worse than your teenage daughter.

Scientists at Korea Advanced Institute of Science of Technology are exploring how touch-screen technology can perform medical tests, possibly even diagnosing cancer, by detecting bio-molecular matter and electronic charges in your body. I’m not clear how it works, but I suspect it’s similar to technology the IRS uses to determine whether you’ll get audited.

This is an exciting development for us hypochondriacs, who are prone to rare diseases since the invention of the Internet and WebMD.