Adjusting to the empty nest

Written by Joe PIsani
Tuesday, 25 October 2011 23:00

My last daughter finally moved out, and for the first time in a long time, the toothpaste isn’t dripping all over the medicine cabinet because someone was too lazy to put the cap on.

I consider that a significant milestone, and suddenly I feel good in the morning. I feel good because the tube is being squeezed from the bottom and not the top. I feel good because the house doesn’t reek of perfume. I feel good because no one is babbling on the cell phone at 2 a.m.

The month before my daughter moved out, she backed into my car and caused $2,000 in damage and later broke the head off a 100-year-old statue, but I’m willing to forgive those accidents because it’s a brand new day. In fact, I’m so psyched I bet I’ll win Lotto this week. However, I have to confess I miss her. There are no more family feuds and no mealtime arguments to keep my mind active, which means I’ll have to start doing Sudoku.

Protest rocks the granite state

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 19 October 2011 09:36

While I was driving through the White Mountains, enjoying the autumn foliage, I came upon three women standing by the roadside under a colorful canopy. At first I thought it was a soccer mom bake sale, but when I pulled over to buy some brownies, I saw a large orange balloon bobbing in the breeze 135 feet above us and a banner proclaiming, “Live Free or Fry — Stop the Northern Pass.”

“Protesters,” I gasped. “The Occupy Wall Street movement is moving north.”

I soon learned, however, they were part of a grassroots group of farmers, homeowners, tree-huggers and angry New Hampshire residents trying to derail a $1.1-billion power project by a foreign utility that threatens to cut the state in half with 135-foot high-voltage towers marching like an invasion of Transformers from Quebec through almost 200 miles of New Hampshire, including 40 miles of wilderness and White Mountains.

The so-called “Northern Pass” project is designed to send power to the flatlands — New Hampshire has a surplus of power — through a collaboration between Hydro-Quebec and Northeast Utilities, a collaboration that many say would unnecessarily destroy the natural landscape and put smaller companies out of business.

‘Know your farmer’ movement grows

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 11 October 2011 23:00

When I walked into the newsstand at Grand Central and asked the clerk for a copy of the “Farmer’s Almanac,” she looked at me like I wanted to rob the cash register.

“The Farmer’s Almanac,” I said. “The Farmer’s Almanac?” she repeated and then got the boss, who I figured would call for the security guard.

But the boss told me to wait and while I waited, I looked at less subversive publications on the racks — tattoo magazines with bare women whose bodies were decorated like Russian Easter eggs, celebrity magazines about the same three celebrities, marrying, cheating and divorcing, gun magazines, and the all-American favorite — skin magazines, which are suffering circulation declines because porno is free on the Internet.

After a few minutes, the woman returned from the crypt and handed me a copy of the 220th anniversary edition of the “Old Farmer’s Almanac,” which contains a lot of articles about beekeeping, panning for gold and growing organic vegetables. It’s a great resource to help you get started in a new life, especially if you’re planting by the light of a new moon. Just don’t try to buy a copy in the city.

My favorite form of magazine escapism isn’t “Maxim” or “Sports Illustrated.” Depending on the day of the week, it could be “Grit” or “Mother Earth News” or “Hobby Farms.”

A bunny story you won’t see on the Playboy Channel

Written by Joe PIsani
Wednesday, 05 October 2011 08:58

There’s been a lot of talk about that new TV series “The Playboy Club,” which shows how Hugh Hefner and his empire empowered women and launched the feminist movement. At least that’s what the PR people said.

Does this mean those women with bunny ears, bunny tails and bunny cleavage trained for the corporate world by hopping from table to table, serving and dodging men with sex harassment in their hearts?

That’s a question I can’t answer because I don’t have a TV, and if I did have one, I’d watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” which offers women a healthier role model.

The Playboy show, I learned through investigative reporting, is about the Chicago club in the 1960s, with hipsters and mobsters; however, that’s not what I remember.

Immortality might be right around the corner

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 14 September 2011 08:12

I recently stumbled upon a scientific theory that suggests we can live forever, or at least until we’re done paying off our mortgages. Modern science is uncovering the secrets to longevity, despite the fact Americans are suffering from an epidemic of obesity, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and nicotine addiction, which means we’ll probably keep living despite ourselves.

The chief scientist at a California foundation that’s committed to “curing” aging claims the first person to live to 1,000 could be born in the next 20 years, as long as we keep him away from McDonald’s and Popeyes.

Life expectancy has been increasing about three months a year, but so has the world’s waistline. By 2030, there will be a million centenarians on the planet if we continue to make progress with stem cell therapy, gene manipulation and what is being called “preventive geriatrics.”

Selfishness vs. heroic virtue in times of trouble

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 31 August 2011 10:46

What has always frightened me about disasters, beyond the magnitude of destruction and the loss of life and property, is that while they can bring out the best in us, they often bring out the worst.

They can open the tiny portals into our souls, and in microscopic moral detail, reveal us to be either selfless people or selfish people. Sometimes I shudder when I see what I’m really all about. Instead of courage, there’s cowardice. Instead of caring for others, I’m caring for me.

A crisis can magnify our character so much that acts of compassion and kindness are elevated to what saint-watchers call “heroic virtue,” while acts of greed and self-interest are shown for what they truly are, classical evil.

Healing old wounds starts right here

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 16 August 2011 23:00

While I was in church Sunday, instead of paying attention to the priest’s sermon about the evils of materialism, I was daydreaming about the delights of materialism — a surprise raise from the boss and that royal blue Harley I’d love to buy, not to mention one of those turbo-charged iPads.

But then, they started reading the prayer petitions so I snapped to attention and responded, “Lord, hear our prayer,” as we appealed for world peace, an end to hunger, help for the homeless, and this one: “That we work to heal divisions and grudges in our families.” Somehow I suspect my mother sent that idea down from heaven. (I hope she’s in heaven.)

Does anyone even consider privilege and responsibility anymore?

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 26 July 2011 23:00

Before Facebook and YouTube and Snooki, when life was simpler and we understood the difference between black and white and right and wrong, I went to a high school where we had to wear maroon blazers that had an emblem on the pocket with the motto, “Privilege and Responsibility.”

And even though I never fully understood what those words meant, the Marist Brothers at St. Joseph High School in Trumbull would throw them in our faces every time we didn’t behave responsibly.

“Privilege and responsibility, Mr. Pisani. Please accept these two invitations to detention.”

I often wondered who thought up that motto. It seemed so inappropriate, since none of us were privileged, and as teenagers we certainly weren’t responsible and had no desire to be.

Managing change through layoffs and stress-induced heart attacks

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 19 July 2011 23:00

I suffered a panic attack after someone left an article on my desk titled “Managing Change.” Throughout my career, whenever the boss began talking about “managing change,” something terrible happened — layoffs, pay cuts, hiring freezes, no more Christmas party, no more Twinkees in the vending machine or they sold our building and moved us to a trailer park near the town transfer station.

Has your boss ever called you into his office and said, “I’m sending you to a session on managing change because you’re getting a $10,000 raise?” Or “You need to learn to manage change because I’m letting you work from home?” No, it’s always bad news.

The idea of “managing change” was invented by some human resources guru who wanted to make millions in consultant’s fees so he could buy a home in the Hamptons.

Political reprobates run wild

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 12 July 2011 23:00

Sometimes I think a life in politics is the best life possible for people prone to criminal behavior and illicit sex, especially in France and Italy, where every misdeed and indiscretion and felony is forgiven and forgotten.

A guy like Anthony Weiner, the disgraced New York congressman whose sexting proclivity led to his downfall, could be elected president in those countries — without even speaking the language. As it is, pretty soon he’ll have his own talk show or technology column in Maxim.

Then, there’s Dominique Strauss Kahn, aka DSK, aka the Great Seducer, aka Hot Rabbit, who allegedly chased the hotel maid down the hall and allegedly had sex with her, which may have allegedly been consensual, and faced charges for all sorts of sex-crimes and was sent to Rikers Island and then put under house arrest and was later released because the maid was allegedly a liar and con artist and maybe something worse.