The benefits of arguing with your teenager

Written by Joe Pisani
Wednesday, 18 January 2012 00:00

University of Virginia researchers recently made a breakthrough that could change the world of parent-child negotiations. They concluded that arguing with teenagers is good for their health.

But what does it do to your health? As the father of four daughters, who thought they were adults at 13, I’ve often believed raising teenagers is one of the hardest undertakings known to civilized man, second only to watching Jersey Shore without a bottle of Pepto Bismol handy. Looking at how that cast of nitwits turned out, I have to conclude their parents didn’t argue enough with them.

Psychologist Joseph Allen, who led the study, published in Child Development, said, “We tell parents to think of those arguments not as a nuisance but as a critical training ground” that will help a child learn how to handle disagreements in life.

Teens who argued with their parents were able to say “no” to their peers over things like drinking. The study of 157 13-year-olds found the most common disputes concerned money, friends, grades and household chores.

In the olden days, we didn’t have these problems because there was no such thing as adolescence. You went from the playpen to the workplace, and if you got out of control, Dad gave you a few whacks. No debate, no discussion, no high blood pressure. This was before the scientific discovery that teenagers actually know more than adults, and we should do what they say.

I grew up in a house where there was constant arguing about everything from the Vietnam War to the Yankees, and that tradition continued into my career as a parent and keeps getting worse.

One daughter loved to argue so much we thought she would be a litigator by 14, another just got nasty, and the other two did what they wanted, unless they needed money. Then, they pretended to listen to my advice until they got the money and did what they wanted anyway.

We live in an enlightened society where parents permit debate, sassing back, disrespect and all the other signs of an enlightened society run by 16-year-olds. A typical parent-teenager debate goes something like this:

Teenage daughter: “I want a tongue ring.”

Mother: “Are you insane? We never did that as kids. Get yourself a Swiffer instead and clean your room.”

Teenage daughter: “All my friends have tongue rings!”

Mother: “I don’t care about your friends. This is my house, and you’re my daughter ,and I’m responsible for you, and as long as you live under my roof, you’re not getting a tongue ring. After you move out and have your own kids, you can do what you want.”

Two hours later:

Teenage daughter: “Do you like my new tongue ring???”

Researchers say these debates are good for a teenager’s health, not to mention the tongue ring industry.

In the end, the best thing a parent can do is listen, Allen said. I’ve always believed in the importance of listening because it gives the illusion that you have everything under control and can change the inevitable outcome, even when you can’t. Or in the memorable words of my mother, “They’re gonna do what they want anyway.”

Joe Pisani can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .