‘Biggest, baddest pool party of them all’

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 20 March 2012 23:00

I admit I know absolutely nothing about Las Vegas except it’s out west, rising from the desert like a city on the plain. I hear it gets pretty hot, and all my friends who went there came back either broke or in love and had to borrow from their 401(k)s to pay their mortgage or their divorce attorney.

A lot of Social Security checks get frittered away on slot machines and lap dancing, but that’s another story.

I recently read that the latest rage in Vegas is the topless party pool, and even though I go to church every Sunday, well almost every Sunday, I was intrigued by this sociological phenomenon.

Having spent my entire life in the library reading about Socrates and Buddha, I didn’t know such things existed in civilized society, although now I may petition the Board of Selectmen to consider topless library days during the summer. Relying on my keen research skills, I Googled pictures of these party pools ... until my wife found out.

Usually they feature celebrities such as the notorious but self-proclaimed rehabilitated party girl Lindsay Lohan and the likes of Avril Lavigne — wasn’t she U.S. Ambassador to Togo? — along with Bruno Mars, former captain of the starship Enterprise, and celebrities who never recovered from their partying days, like Courtney Love, Tommy Lee and Britney Spears. Where’s Keith Richards when we need him?

One of the most popular pools has stripper poles and is open on weekends, except for Easter, when the staff goes to church. David Hasselhoff, a fellow who made a career out of suntanning, is a regular there.

Let’s hope Lindsay Lohan doesn’t show up because she’s had enough trouble putting the plug in the jug, and let’s hope David Hasselhoff doesn’t get any more sun or his face will look like a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

This is what happens to celebrities when they’re sent out to pasture. They drink hard, they party hard, and they get a headstone shaped like a slot machine.

According to USA Today, the “biggest, baddest pool party of them all ... draws thousands, including lots of off-duty strippers.” It offers sunbathing, ear-splitting music, waitresses in string bikinis, rental cabanas, and for guys like me, reiki sessions, French lessons and tax preparation.

The women who wear the least get in without a hassle because they help attract guys willing to spend a lot of cash that should probably be going to pay for denture repair.

I’m worried about my bros squandering their Social Security checks. Social Security is in big trouble and that money should be spent on essential things like bread and milk and power tools.

Since I’ve never been to Vegas, because I’m too busy going to church, and since I don’t have money to burn at the craps tables, because it all goes in the collection basket, I’m at a disadvantage. However, in my campaign to be hip, I bought a topless bathing suit at Ocean State Job Lots.

OK, I have to go. It’s time for church. No toplessness allowed.

Joe Pisani can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .