Counteracting the sugar high

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 22 May 2012 10:44

Several months ago, while suffering what defense attorneys commonly call "temporary insanity," I walked into Walmart, paused at the entrance where they pile up displays of junk food ... and broke down. My self-control collapsed, my addiction took over, and I bought a three-pound bag of candy conversation hearts to celebrate Valentine's Day.

A few weeks later at Easter, I bought a very large bag of jelly beans and three boxes of Peeps, those psychedelic-colored marshmallow chicks — at least I hope they're marshmallow and not sponge products. I could feel myself go into sugar shock just putting them in the shopping cart.

As they used to say, the devil made me do it. (Yes, I believe in the devil.)

In my defense, I passed by the bags of Fritos, Doritos and Cheetos.

Then, I saw a scary report on "60 Minutes" that suggested sugar is killing us by causing heart disease, type 2 diabetes and cancer. Dr. Robert Lustig of the University of California insists the situation is so bad we should control sugar the same way we control tobacco and alcohol, especially since each American consumes 130 pounds a year, and the average youngster takes in 445 calories from sugar as part of his daily diet of soda, ice cream, cake and candy.

To make matters worse, my wife sent me a photo illustration that showed how much sugar is in my favorite foods. For example, a bottle of cola has enough cubes of sugar in it to make an Eiffel Tower, and a McDonald's shake looks like a Great Wall of China composed of sugar cubes. A serving of mini-carrots, however, has only one cube, so I guess it's carrots for me.

When I'm not scarfing down Jujyfruits and Bit-O-Honey, I compensate by eating almonds, broccoli and cauliflower to counteract the effect. However, the conversation hearts present a real problem because I won't be able to eat the entire bag without cracking a tooth or two, and if I have to get one more gold crown, I'll look like an Italian rapper or worse, the Godfather.

Some of these conversation hearts are borderline R-rated —"Love me!" "Touch me!" "Squeeze me!" I eat a few every night when I get a sugar craving, and I estimate that my supply, which I hide in my underwear drawer, will last until my molars rot or Halloween is here, and I can satisfy another seasonal addiction by buying candy corn.

When I spot candy corn on the supermarket shelf, I can't resist tearing the bag open in the aisle; however, the day after Halloween, the urge is gone, at least until Christmas when I succumb to the candy cane craze.

Sometimes the sugar craving is so intense I pop four or five conversation hearts in my mouth and don't bother to read what they say — "Love me!" "Touch me!" "Squeeze me!" or "Do not disturb!" But I'm convinced if the warden ever finds the bag in my underwear drawer, it will be all over. "Help me!" "Stop me!" "Don't yell at me!"

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