Storming my office, calling for my head

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 31 July 2012 10:55

I learned the hard way that flip-flops are a constitutionally guaranteed right in America, a fundamental freedom like health care. So take that to the Supreme Court.

I also learned that flip-flops are protected under the law only if you're a woman. Can you imagine if I showed up at the office with a Brooks Brothers suit and a Paul Stuart tie and a $2 pair of purple flip-flops from Walmart? The next day I'd have a new job stocking high-heels at Payless. It's rampant discrimination against men.

However, there's no denying women their right to wear flip-flops at the beach and on the job. A few years ago, I tried and failed, and it almost incited a riot like Bastille Day, with women staffers storming my office and calling for my head.

Our company had an explicit policy against "open-toed shoes," and being a conscientious manager, I always placed the highest priority on toe protection in the workplace. I even attended seminars on the topic, sponsored by our Human Resources Department.

Very often, I'd lie awake at night, afraid that a 2,000-pound roll of newsprint would fall off the press and roll down the aisle past the HR department, which never enforced any policies because they were too busy planning "Wacky Tie Day" and passing out mood rings to help us manage our stress level.

We always knew a layoff was coming when Human Resources gave us mood rings and had some expert with a Ph.D. in organizational management talk about "managing change" and the "fight-or-flight response" and then try to brainwash us into believing "Change is a good thing."

But let me get back to the runaway roll of newsprint, which I was convinced would crash into the newsroom and crush dozens of unprotected female toes amid screaming and hysteria.

To avert this crisis, I announced a campaign to ban flip-flips. The women responded by calling me every name in the book —Mussolini, Stalin, George W. Bush, Dr. Scholl — and they threatened to file a union grievance if not a class action appeal to the Supreme Court. Even worse, they threatened to stop washing their feet.

I pleaded with them and tried to explain that flip-flops provided no lateral support, no arch support and caused overpronating. (Yes, I always wanted to be a podiatrist. I guess I have this foot thing.)

Sad to say, I lost that battle, and the memory still haunts me. During the summer, I suffer anxiety attacks when I see women wearing flip-flops while running through Grand Central at rush hour or scampering across Fifth Avenue, putting their toes in serious jeopardy of being crushed by a crazed cyclist or catching a highly contagious foot fungus found only in New York.

And when my train passes the New York College of Podiatry's Foot Center, I have a terrifying hallucination. I see countless women limping on crutches and walkers, lined up at the entrance, begging for podiatric care because of the damage they've done to their feet by wearing flip-flops.

It's a horrifying sight -- blisters, bruises, stubbed toes, black toes, sprained ankles, corns, bunions and calluses.

All I can say is thank God that Obamacare offers foot care for women, not to mention men.

Joe Pisani can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Free shipping, generic atarax, the best solution. You can order or, generic augmentin, Fast and easy. With us you can, generic avodart, or order online.