No slave to the latest technology

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 20 September 2012 14:51

It was one of those days. I got a flat, and then I lost the keys to my car and my mobile phone died. Don't believe what they say — technology is not your friend.

So I rushed to the phone store before the morning mob started beating down the door. The only thing I hate more than waiting for a flat to be fixed is going to the phone store, crowded with people whose best friends are their mobile devices.

The salesman said I needed a new $50 battery, but he didn't have any, and before he could order one, I had to show him a photo ID for FBI clearance, I suspect.

Then, he made my day worse by giving me the good news: I was eligible for an "upgrade." I hate upgrades. I hate change. I hate technological advances. Whenever I go to the phone store, they have some new scheme that will allegedly save me money, but is as confusing as the fine print on a car lease.

They were pushing a deal that offered unlimited everything forever, including free nachos at happy hour. To make it worth the money, I calculated I'd have to spend eight hours a day texting.

In the end, I succumbed to persuasion and the love of spending, which means I signed up for the new plan and a new phone, and they gave me a complementary pass to divorce court because that's where I'm headed when my wife gets the bill.

I'm always a few steps behind the latest technology. A month after I finally got an iPad, a new and improved model came out with a camera and a microwave, followed a few weeks later by a newer model that featured a hair dryer, which I don't need, although I could have used a tire pump.

Anyway, this fellow showed me some phones, including the Razzle Dazzle iPhone, and offered me a deal I couldn't refuse, so I handed him my credit card, and he handed me my phone, and that afternoon I was the coolest guy at Firestone, until I read a story that said people with my Razzle Dazzle model were trying to unload them because a newer model -- the Razzler Dazzler 5 — was coming out in 72 hours — and it had a port-o-potty. Timing is everything.

One friend said, "You must be the only person in America who didn't know a new model was coming out. Don't you watch TV?"

"My last TV had rabbit ears, and they stopped working 10 years ago," I explained.

I told her I didn't care because I'm not a slave to the latest technology; however, I had to admit that I always wanted a smart phone with a port-o-potty.

"This one also has a larger screen," she said.

"What about the port-o-potty?"

"Didn't you hear? They replaced that 24 hours ago with a martini bar." Just my luck.

Even worse, my wife blamed me for buying an obsolete model. She claims I don't communicate enough with my new son-in-law, who works for Apple and knows all about this stuff.

"He would have gotten you a deal," she grumbled. "He would have told you to wait. I blame you. Besides, we need a martini bar."

Yes, blame the victim. Now, where did I put my car keys?

Joe Pisani can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

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