Can’t hide what doctor’s scale reveals

Written by Joe Pisani
Friday, 17 September 2010 08:55

The hardest part of my annual physical — there were several, but the one that shocked me the most was when my doctor announced, “You gained weight.”

Was I developing a muffin top, or were my rippling muscles making me put on pounds? Or did the nurse read the scale wrong?

“Doc,” I protested, “she weighed me with my clothes on.”

“She did last year too.”

“This year I was carrying a heavier BlackBerry, a steel belt buckle, a wallet full of cash, three pens and a concealed weapon.”

He thought a moment, looked at my file and said, “But last year you had a concealed weapon — is it the same weapon? — along with steel-toed shoes, a bullet-proof vest and $7.38 in change. Let’s face it. You gained weight with your clothes on and with your clothes off.”

It didn’t make sense. I’m a guy who works out, runs for the train every day, walks up escalators and plans his meals according to the government-approved food pyramid, which has lite beer on the top and nachos on the bottom.

Was my weight gain from a diet of Snickers and Starburst (I blame my coworker Terri for keeping candy on her desk), all those almonds I eat (my doctor says they’re good for the heart) or the spaghetti with clam sauce (why was I born Italian?).

I realized there was a problem when I was in Wal-Mart and began trying on those “relaxed fit” pants with elastic waistbands and started using phrases like “bloated” and “fluid retention.”

I’d tell people, “This time of month I put on a few pounds” (my mother always used that line) or “My metabolism is slowing down.”

Since I couldn’t escape the truth, or my tight pants, I took drastic measures and stopped eating entirely. No more Happy Meals, chocolate shakes or garlic bread and ravioli. Everyone grumbled because it meant I wouldn’t be taking them out, and they’d have to cook dinner for a change.

Clearly, I needed a weight-loss plan. When my former boss went on a diet, he only ate bacon, so much bacon he smelled like a hog farm on a hot day. That wasn’t for me. Instead, I went to the supermarket checkout line and bought a tabloid with a story titled, “Hollywood’s Cleanse Craze.”

Celebrities have a solution for everything. When they’re not having illicit sex or doing drugs, they’re dieting, and usually they do all three at once.

I wasn’t sure what a “cleanse” was, but I was a desperate man and didn’t want to develop cellulite like Kim Kardashian.

They claim cleansers detox you, increase your energy, help you lose weight, and grow muscle and hair like Hugh Jackman. What more could I ask for?

Michelle Obama and Gwyneth Paltrow use them, and I wanted to join the club until my family told me muscles and hair wouldn’t fit my image, so I went with the elastic waistbands.

The great thing is I don’t feel bloated anymore, and I’m leaving my concealed weapon home when I go for my physical.

Joe Pisani can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

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