Where’s your sense of humor?

Written by Joe Pisani
Tuesday, 12 October 2010 23:00

The other day I was at the traffic light, minding my own business, when some lunatic pulled up beside me and starting waving his arms, swearing and yapping like a rabid Chihuahua that just drank a double caramel macchiato.

(I always get into trouble minding my own business. As a kid, whenever I got into trouble and told my mother I was minding my own business, she responded with a resounding “WHACK!”)

“What is this nut screaming about?” I wondered, but as I was about to roll down my window and start swearing back, he drove away. God bless America.

A recent survey said seven out of 10 Americans think the country is getting ruder and less civilized. Rudeness is rampant. Psychopaths swear at you for no apparent reason. Train commuters talk nonstop on their cell phones. People blow smoke in your face. No one gets up to let a pregnant woman sit down. Waiters act like that nasty blowhard on American Idol, and some nut wants to push you on the subway tracks for wearing a Red Sox cap.

I have to say, though, that in the MetLife Building where I work there are signs of civility. Men let the women get on and off the elevator first, but only after we try to snatch their purses. Actually, that was a lie. Instead, we make suggestive comments. (WHACK! Geez, Mom, I was only kidding!)

While civility is alive and well in my office building, once you go down the escalator into Grand Central Station, the world changes, and there’s a real possibility you could get stampeded to death.

If I ever fall down, I’m convinced that commuters, who are texting their lovers and brokers, would walk over me, around me and on me, while tourists would descend like paparazzi to shoot video.

And nothing is more life-threatening than a game of Grand Central chicken. People charge straight toward you, and it’s a question of who will change course first to avoid a collision. I usually move, but last week to prove my manhood, I plowed right into someone. At first, I felt guilty but then I figured that little old ladies have no business wandering around at rush hour. (WHACK!)

As rude as Americans are, they can’t compare with Italians, who behave like eighth-graders stampeding through the school cafeteria to grab the last dish of gelato. To their credit, men in Italy don’t walk around texting because they’re too busy looking at women.

I almost got arrested for disturbing the peace in Venice when I offered my seat on a water bus to an elderly woman, which caused a bit of a stir because only a crazy American would do that. Then, I had to stop some grungy guy from grabbing the seat first.

Even worse, the woman refused to sit down, at least until I said, “Listen, Lady, take the @#$%!! seat or I’m gonna push you overboard.” That, of course, wasn’t rudeness, just an example of New York City courtesy. (WHACK! Mom, where’s your sense of humor?)

Joe Pisani can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

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