A cure for a common scourge

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 17 February 2011 00:00

When modern science isn’t solving problems like preventing an asteroid attack on Planet Earth or developing more effective pesticides to stem the bedbug invasion of New York City, it concentrates on really important challenges, like ending a scourge that has afflicted mankind from Julius Caesar to Bruce Willis — male-pattern baldness.

An estimated 40 million American men — two out of three — suffer from some baldness, along with 30 million women.

The good news is experts predict a cure within 10 years, which means guys won’t have to shave their heads anymore to look like Mussolini or Sinead O’Connor.

The bad news is experts said the same thing 10 years ago, and I saved the newspaper clips to keep my hopes alive. From time to time, I’ve been tempted to call those researchers for a progress report: “Hey, are you guys asleep at the wheel? Where’s that baldness cure?”

“The Athenian Diner? Sorry, wrong number …”

They probably left the baldness business and went into something more lucrative, like real estate or journalism.

I really hope the Republicans don’t try to cut federal funds for this research, especially since our last bald president was Dwight Eisenhower, a Republican, and it’s a disgrace the Secret Service did absolutely nothing to save his hair.

There has been some progress, however, and a study by the University of Pennsylvania concluded baldness is caused by a genetic defect involving “progenitor cells,” which I don’t understand since I struggled through biology, not to mention health and hygiene, and Latin.

BBC recently reported we’ll be able to put cream on our heads to stimulate those cells and come away with a head of hair like Fabio.

When I first started to lose my hair, I’d tell my mother, “The maternal grandfather determines whether you’ll be bald — and your father was bald.”

“That’s NOT true!” she’d yell. “My father had a full head of hair.”

At which point I’d flip through the photos until I found one of my grandfather, who looked like Yul Brynner’s twin brother.

“He was bald, Mom. Look at the picture.”

“He wasn’t bald! He just had a high forehead.”

Baldness, I concluded, is only a state of mind.

Americans spend a lot of money on miracle cures such as Rogaine, which you pour over your head like healing water from Lourdes, along with hair-weaving, where they mesh your hair with clippings from the dog pound, and transplants that pop up like little palm trees and have be fertilized regularly.

Taking a more economical approach, I followed the example of countless bald men who invested in baseball caps, which I wear to bed, in the shower and at church.

And even though hair loss has tormented me for decades, I’ve resisted the temptation to do a “comb-over.” On bad days, I console myself by thinking baldness is synonymous with greatness — consider Gandhi and Winston Churchill— along with the notion that bald men are virile, which is an accepted scientific fact. For example, think about Vin Diesel, Sean Connery and Homer Simpson.

Joe Pisani can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .