Guest column: Follow your instincts

Written by Mark Albert
Wednesday, 23 September 2009 23:00

As a child, I would walk into a crowd of people and within minutes form character assessments of everyone there. Sometimes, those first opinions were wrong; most of the time, they were accurate enough. My parents would tell me to be “open minded” and not “judge a book by its cover.” Just because some kid behaved like a jerk did not mean he was a full-fledged problem. Maybe he just needed a nap. As the years went on, I tried to do as my parents instructed. I’d form a first impression and then give the other person a chance to prove me right or wrong. Eventually, I became the tolerant young man my parents always wanted me to be.

As adults, we all have to show forbearance. We don’t get to choose the people we interact with on a daily basis, so we find ways to accept those we might have avoided as children. We focus on a person’s good traits and shy away from looking at the (sometimes obvious) character flaws. Don’t we all just want to get along? So your neighbor’s fence is a little dirty. Do him a favor and paint it over. Whitewash is cheap. Apply liberally.

When Diane Schuler turned onto the Taconic State Parkway, how many of her friends and acquaintances were truly surprised? Did some of them instinctively know she was headed for calamity but brushed the thought aside in order to avoid straining their relationship? What were the other adults thinking about as she piled their kids into her car? I wonder what my first impression of the woman might have been. I wonder how I might have painted over my perception if she were a neighbor, business associate, member of my fire department, or the parent of my child’s friend? So many people expressed shock that such a thing could happen. I wonder if the shock had more to do with the fact that Mrs. Schuler’s community did not acknowledge and act on the possibility of the event than the fact that an unhappy, chemically dependent woman came to an ill end. “We did not know! We did not know!” many claimed. True enough, they did not know.

Did they suspect?

Several years ago, I met some guy — let’s call him Fred. My first impression told me that Fred was cold, controlling, and no good. My instincts screamed “stay away.” Over the years, I would occasionally bump into him. Each time, I’d look for something good in his soul and try to bury my first impression. He was a member of the community. His kids knew my kids. Whatever. I wanted my first impression to be wrong. A short time ago, at a townwide event, I overheard Fred repeatedly scream a wide range of particularly cruel things to one of his children and, later, at his wife. He had been drinking and projected violence. I walked away disgusted; first impression fully confirmed. Did I see a crime committed? No. Was there sufficient grounds to call Child Protective Services? Probably not. Do I know that this family is headed for a suburban calamity? No, I don’t — but I suspect it.

I won’t be letting my kids ride in his car any time soon.

None of us want to focus on the dirty secrets that float across our otherwise inquisitive minds, but if we ignore the truly dark things that confront us, we do so at our own peril. While I’ll continue to try to be the good, tolerant person my parents raised, I’m going to check for rot before coating my paintbrush.

Mr. Albert is president of the Vista Fire Department. For information on becoming a member of the Vista Fire Department, call Chief Gary Lawson or Mr. Albert at 533-2727; for the South Salem Fire Department, call Chief Joe Posadas at 763-3706; and for the Goldens Bridge Fire Department, call Chief Robert Melillo at 232-4530.

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