Dec 27, 2007
Briefing Book
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The Awards
It’s time once again to move the funny stuff to this side of the page and dole out Briefing Book’s Yuletide bouquets and brickbats — The Awards.
The Awards honor people and events in the town of Lewisboro from the past year. The Awards are conferred for things that didn’t happen in town but should have and, alas, things that shouldn’t have happened but did. Mostly, they acknowledge things that Briefing Book always wanted to comment on but that, as events unfolded, didn’t merit anything more than pithy editorial quips. So finish hanging that portrait of General David Petraeus (Briefing Book’s Man of the Year), then kick back and throw another “Hillary for President!” bumper sticker on the fire — the envelopes please!
Three John Jay High School juniors kicked off a battle royale in March when they defiantly read a selection from the play The Vagina Monologues at a school function, ignoring the administration’s instructions not to utter that provocative word from the play’s title. (No, not “monologue”! The other provocative word!) Years from now, American history students will wonder why they get 600,000 hits when they Google “John Jay and vagina.” All involved in John Jay High School’s l’affaire monologue win the “Researching the Federalist Papers Will Never Be the Same Again” Award, along with the “Be Glad the School’s Not Named After Bill Clinton” Award.
Eve Ensler, the feminist author of the monologue that began the dialogue that engulfed Lewisboro, went from favorite for the “Woman of the Year” Award to taking home the “Feminista Non Grata” Award. After school board president Peter Breslin invited her to speak in Lewisboro following their joint appearance on NBC’s Today show, the school board scheduled the event (at John Jay Middle School, no less), then canceled it after a parental uproar (did I mention the middle school?), and then rescheduled it for a day when our favorite V-Warrior was speaking in Kenya. Ms. Ensler, who contended for the “All About Eve” Award, ended the year sadder but no wiser, winner of the reusable “How Come They Never Call Afterward?” Award.
Ms. Ensler also raised some eyebrows here at Briefing Book when she opined that Iraqi women were better off when that sensitive metrosexual, Saddam Hussein, was ruling Iraq — and dropping nerve gas on women and children, slaughtering opponents, financing terrorists and invading sovereign nations. Ms. Ensler’s peculiar answer to the question “What Do Women Really Want?” wins her the “Dictator, Terrorist, Torturer — So You’re Sure He’s Not Married?” Award.
As an epilogue to the dialogue about the monologue, the school district did finally hold a public forum (at the high school) on women’s freedom of expression, featuring a panel of four feisty, intelligent and articulate women offering candid opinions on ... oh, sorry, that was The View. In Lewisboro, l’affaire monologue ended with lectures from a panel of four men! Principal Richard Leprine explained that they couldn’t find even one woman for the panel. (Did they try looking in Kenya?) The administration takes home the “Eve Who?” Award, along with the “Smart Chicks — They’re Never Around When You Need One” Award.
Local political advertising took a giant leap forward in 2007 — if you were a Ledger columnist. In Lewisboro, incumbent Judge Susan Simon sent out a campaign mailer saying that she was the “First Woman Judge” ever elected in Lewisboro and should be re-elected because of “Her Broad Experience,” thus earning her the “There Is Nothing Like A Dame” Award. In lower Westchester, the “William J. Clinton Campaign Slogan of the Year” Award goes to Harrison Town Justice Marc J. Lust, who peppered lower Westchester with re-election signs telling voters to “Lust for Town Justice.” Hey, whatever floats your vote.
YouTube figured prominently in town politics in 2007. For creating the YouTube commercial that captured the arrogance of the school board these last few years, Sunshine Party school board candidate Tara Owen receives the “And the Oscar Goes to — ” Award. At the other end of the education abyss in the district, the VOTE Party insisted that VOTE had nothing to do with posting YouTube commercials for Peter Breslin and Michael Feierman, the candidates endorsed by VOTE. Briefing Book stands corrected and, as a goodwill gesture, bestows on VOTE the “We Wouldn’t Have Posted Those Commercials Either” Award.
The “Mirabile Mediocrity” Award goes to those anonymous school employees who put the kibosh on the John Jay Mirabile Aspectu Award, which the district had started in 2006 to honor exemplary teachers and staff. The nameless employees complained that the JJMA award singled out a few teachers and staff at the expense of the rest. These unnamed staffers win the “If Everyone Is Exceptional, No One’s Exceptional” Award, along with the “We Could Write A Lot More, But That Would Mean Singling You Out at the Expense of the Rest” Award.
On this page, the “Enjoy the New Year — until Election Day 2008” Award goes to my friend and liberal colleague Jeff Morris, while Ledger Editor-in-Chief Ken Mastro, who banned any more Star Trek columns from us in 2007, can ponder the consequences of winning the “Did You Know There’s A New Star Trek Movie Coming Out in 2008?” Award.
Finally, the “Thanks for Reading Us” Award goes to all our readers of every political persuasion, especially the reader who wrote in to rail against Briefing Book, President Bush and Mr. Bush’s alleged transgressions against America. “Were you making a joke, Mr. Piro,” she asked indignantly, “when you said the only thing you haven’t forgiven President Bush for is extending daylight saving time? I hope so!” Hey, of course that was a joke. I’ve gotten over that whole daylight saving time thing.
See you next year!
© Copyright 2008 by Hersam Acorn Newspapers
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