Printed From Acorn-Online.com
Lewisboro Confidential
Apr 24, 2008
Swinging single at the library
One exceedingly fine early spring day walking the grounds of the estate and carefully giving instruction to the laborers on the correct method of boxwood shaping: Not butchery, you fools! As we all know, boxwoods are best pruned, rather than sheared, to maintain a natural shape and to keep the plants at a desired size so that they do not outgrow their landscape value too quickly, I heard on my constant companion, a Sony 40-year commemorative edition transistor radio, a most curious story. The radio announcer guy disclosed that libraries are becoming a meeting places for singles! It seems that while surreptitiously scanning the shelves for literature, many dates are arranged. Egads! How has this trend escaped my attention? Perhaps 18 years of marriage may have had something to do with it.
I must investigate at once. I dropped my Robert Larson solid-forged shrubbery spade, shouted “carry on” to the head groundskeeper, set my mid-afternoon sherry down, and keeping my carbon footprint low, walked to the local bibliotech. Indeed, a sin center in our midst. Perhaps this is why the aldermen are so set to have it razed and rebuilt in the town park with a picture window view of the endless parade of stunning Lewisboro poolside beauties. In this post-Spitzer age, the pieces were falling into place.
As I entered the library, its specialized vocab rang out with innuendo and insinuation: “the check-out desk,” “Dewey decimal system,” how about “browsing the racks?” How could I have been so stupid? Here’s one for you: “overdue!” My head spun with the suggestive nomenclature. Clearly today’s libraries have taken the place of the hotel whirlpool.
I donned my clever disguise of ascot, cigarette holder and trenchcoat, took my place at a back table near some dozing seniors, and stealthily surveyed the scene. I noticed a medium-aged lass spending an unusually long time in the gardening section. One of the gentlemen in our group stirred, ambled over, fitfully engaged in a coughing spell and proffered the following pick-up line: “Of all the substances of which beehives are made, straw has been the most generally preferred.” The woman looked at him as if he were an idiot, stamped, in what I thought was a rather mean manner, on his foot and quickly made her way to the front desk. Clearly the wrong tack.
I moved away from this loser section and found a comfy chair in the lounge area. I now had a clear view of the video tape kiosk. I settled back for effect and to blend in. The air inside was as tired as a United midday flight to Los Angeles. A gentle hand roused me, “I’m sorry sir, there is no sleeping in the library.” Hands off, wench, I’m an investigative reporter, here on a mission! ”Of course you are.” Others similarly roused were visibly distressed and called out for the nurse and after long dead pets.
But wait, there she is: a classic femme fatal scanning the video tape racks seemingly in no hurry. So, this is the secret? The video shelf is now the equivalent of Hef’s Grotto at the Mansion? Her selection of Dancing with Wolves, All I Wanna Do and Footloose told all. The titles winked in an array of come hither suggestions.
I approached Cindy Rubino, the director of the library, complimented her on the new automatic door and her well-maintained, nicely lit and spacious surroundings. She told me that she was actually running out of room. “It’s very popular, maybe the most popular, indoor public space in Lewisboro.” Ah ha. I pointed out the action at the video section: See any budding romances? “Gosh no.” OK, this is good. Ms. Rubino is obviously the very model of discretion. I tried again: This is probably an excellent pick-up spot, eh? “Personally, I haven’t noticed that, but I’m not here all the time. Perhaps the folk concerts would be a better bet.” Ever find any minis, you know, little bottles of gin on the shelves or perfumed notes left in the “oversize” section? “No” (but she did chuckle). And this seemed like a good time to move along. We’ll have another confidential visit in the future.
I hurried back to make sure the gravel was being properly raked, in the correct wabi/sabi, counterclockwise direction.
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